Yes, I did yell at her. Yes, I do get angry at her. I loose my conscience and I don’t realize what I did. I feel guilty. I make mistakes with ‘1’ followed by numerous ‘0’s. Those are the times I should have knelt down on my knees and told her ‘Sorry’. But I didn’t. I didn’t have the guts. The courage in me was lacking.
She did everything for me. She forgot to sleep just to keep a check on me. She didn’t have food because she knew I won’t be full. I drained her day’s energy to make my room. She had sweat rolling down her forehead while brooming the dust. She’s got boils and scars because of the cooking stove.
But in return what did I give?
A ‘SHOUT’ for the work she pleaded me to do.
A ‘GRUMBLE’ for the food she cooked.
A ‘DISGUST’ for she asked me to sleep early. Yup, I have done all these and am still doing it. Just because I feel nasty that my freedom is being curbed. I am being limited. I am being bounded.
Its shameful that I couldnt meet the expectation of hers. She had just hoped for a good son. A son who will respect her, take care of her and love her. Was she wrong to ask me all this? Can’t she not ask me for such a handful when she offered a whole world to me?
Everyday I remember my acts, I feel shameful. I always wish to be her pride. But I have lowered her head many times. I know how she consoles me when I fail or give up. Its not me who failed, its my mom who failed. She knows this. Yet she is always ending with a smile, making her tears disappear so that I dont cry.
Mom you’re very good. I know you gave me an ocean of love and I failed to give you even droplets till now. Schooling just taught me literal meaning of mom. Never did I dive into the depths to see the real meaning of mom who stands behind, pushes me forward, holds me back, lifts me up and makes the mountain of life look like a piece of cake cut with a knife.
A sorry and a thank you. I cursed my fortune always for various reasons when I always knew I had the biggest fortune with me. I should have seen those children before complaining, who didn’t even have the chance to put their head and sleep in your lap, who didn’t even have the luck to hug you tight, who didn’t even get to touch your face, and who didn’t even have the fortune to say Mom.
I am coward. I don’t have that confidence to stand in front of you and say everything. Even if I do I won’t find words. I will fumble with my speech. I know I can write. So, I wrote this.
Mom I will make you proud it’s a promise from your son. I will be a man for a reason. I have learnt from you. I will implement it. I will do my part for those in need. I will earn but earn for a reason- to help others. Not just for myself.
I know your disguised love. We have conflicts, we have quarrels. People will fake but you won’t. I confess am not a good child at all but surely love you more than all. After reading this I don’t know how you will react. But each word has come from my heart. This isn’t written with fingers and brain but tears of love forced me to write it.
This isn’t just for my Mom but to all Moms from their son and daughter.
My Mom Deepa and my other dear ones whom I believe to be my Mom- Jyoti Didi, Ashita Miss, Payal Aunty, Nidhi Aunty and Priti Aunty